Despair...I haz it.

Some days being a grownup is just too much, ya know?

I've been trying hard to stay optimistic the last couple of months and not worry too much about our financial situation. I've been watching it carefully, sure, but even as I see our money dwindling, I've been reminding myself that we've always had enough...enough to eat, a place to live, clothes, heat, water...enough. Not nearly as much as I usually want, to be sure, but enough.

I've also been truly feeling confident that any day now B will get a job, and that we'll be able to go back to "normal" without making any major changes in our lives. I've banked a lot on the belief that he will again work full-time, and I will be able to stay at home this last year of G's "littlekidhood" like we always planned.

I've been living with a certain amount of certainty about these two things, and it's kept me from total despair.

I'm not certain anymore.

Our financial stability has been precariously balanced, and the plumbing problems that have arisen this week may just have tipped us right into a downward spiral. I feel sick just thinking about it. Maybe I'm being overly pessimistic and reactionary, but we just don't have ANY wiggle-room right now, and certainly not almost $1000 worth. (Thank you once again, nameless crackwhore, for christmasthanksgivingandshit. You are, as always, adding that extra spice of unavoidable expense to our holiday season. )

And I'm no longer feeling at all hopeful about B getting a job, even one that pays far less than he was making before. Three weeks of countless applications and not even a single call-back can do that to a girl. Plus, it's becoming clear that he is exceedingly unlikely to get a job at his previous pay rate, so I am going to have to go back to work, probably full-time, whether I'm ready to or not, no matter what our plans have always been.

Absolutely nothing about this is fair, and I sincerely wish that I believed in a personal G-o-d so that I could curse His name.

I don't know what to do. I'm terrified and angry and want to pull the covers over my head and sleep until everything is okay again. Yep, despair...I haz it.

Darn Boy

Today, the Kidlet said that he wanted to see "Darn Boy". You know, the movie..."Darn Boy". It took us a while to figure out exactly what he was talking about, but we finally got it...

He wants to see "HELL Boy". Only he categorically refuses to say the word "hell", just like he refuses to say any other "grownup" word. We told him that it would be more appropriate to say "Heck Boy" than "Darn Boy", but "heck" is apparently also too foul a word to cross his lips. He said that he would either call it "Darn Boy" or "Imaginary-word Boy", but nothing else.

My child - MY child - refuses to cuss, even when given permission.

*head/desk*

Sometimes, life is so ironic it hurts.