Fingers, Fire, and Financial Woes

Well, I stuck my finger in the fire today, and contacted R. Stupid, I know. I don't even know what made me do it really, except, maybe, an innate inability to leave well enough alone. Yes, he talked to me, and, yes, it felt hollow, and yes, I now feel like crap. Then again, it's a different kind of crap...whereas before I felt like I missed him, now I clearly see (once again) that I miss what he used to be. It's like another spike of grief, but it helps me to separate a little bit more who he is and who he was...that's good, right?

Hopefully, at least, this particular little burn will kick him the hell out of my dreams. I've dreamed about R & T for two nights running, which has been freaking me the hell out since I almost never dream about people I know. Add that to the disturbing content of the dreams in general (strangely, R & T had nothing to do with that) and perhaps my lapse is understandable.

Or maybe I'm just the idiot I generally think I am...LOL

The financial woes are really getting to me right now. We were actually doing pretty good until Friday, when Husband's car broke down. I supposed we should have expected it, given the fact that he got his bonus on Thursday, and the Universe generally sees any extra money as an excuse to kick us in the financial nuts. Still, it is bad...as in, "we're gonna pay a mint to get the damn thing running again, but it won't run for long and we're looking for another car" bad. And unless I can somehow figure out how to shoot $200+ a month out my ass (suggestions, anyone?) a car payment will mean we don't have money for the Kidlet's kindergarten next year. Sigh. I'm sure that it will all work itself out - it always seems to - but I could do without the stress.

Anyways, that life here. Kidlet is at his grandma's tonight, so Husband and I are going to go grab a little Japanese food and come home to watch Eastern Promises. Guess that constitutes a "date" when you're old and married. Not that we can afford it, but what the hell. If we're gonna be broke, might as well be well fed.

I'm going to go take a painkiller and see if my mood improves, or if I just need to start stabbing kittens or something.

Shallow?

So tell me...if I said that, despite his general "I-don't-give-a-shit" attitude, if my personal trainer were only cuter I'd consider paying for more session...but as it is, he just isn't eye-candy enough to be worth my money...if I said that...would it make me shallow?

A Day In The Life

So, for all of you who wonder how this hausfrau spends her day and earns her keep, let me share with you a fairly typical Thursday...bonbon eating it ain't!!!



8:45 am - wake up.



This is the huge indulgance I allow myself for the day- sleeping 45 minutes later than usual. Kidlet was at his NeeNee's, so my red-headed alarm clock doesn't go off. If I didn't have an incredibly busy day ahead of me, I would have stayed in bed another 2 hours, but hausfrau duties call.



8:45 - 9:15 am - get ready for the first part of my day.



Just enough time to take a fast shower (I smell funky - no shower just isn't an option), dry my hair, dress, pack the gym bag, grab some coffee, and wrangle the dogs into their crates (they have lost their "home alone" priviledges due to chewing on the couch cushions. Yes, the new couch. Bastards).



9:15 - 9:30 am - drive semi-frantically to Sam's club.



The schedule for the day, I've realized, is a wee bit tight. Thank god I have a "business" membership so that I can get into the store early.



9:30 - 10:00 am - shop at Sam's Club.



Today is my day to bring snack for the little buggers at school, and I hate when parents send a crappy snack, so I have to make it good. Snack will consist of: 4 pounds of strawberries, 44 little individually wax-wrapped cheeses (what kid can resist?!), a giant container of honey-wheat pretzel sticks, and two big tubs of good yogurt (which isn't, alas, sold at Sam's). Total money spent on snack: roughly $35 so far. Add to that other things needed from Sam's, and it's an $85 morning. Good thing Husband's paycheck hits the bank tonight, or we'd be screwed.



10:00 - 10:15 am - check out at Sam's.



(I put this in as its own activity because it took so damn long.)



10:15 - 10:30 am - drive frantically across town to the gym.



Made all the more fun by the dusting of snow on the roads, and the stupid mofos driving 40 on the highway because of said snow. Dumbasses.



10:30 - 11:00 am - personal trainer session at the gym.



I still can't sit down without yelping, or manage the stairs without waddling like some fuckedup zombie duck. If I was a masochist, I'd consider it money well spent.



11:00 - 11:15 am - drive frantically back across town to my house.



11:15 - 11:45 am - get ready for the second part of my day.



Shower (again), dry hair (again), get dressed (again), and shove some food in my mouth. Dogs get left outside in sub-freezing weather because they refuse to come in the house with called. Oh well. They have fur, right?



11:45 am - noon - drive frantically to another side of town to co-op for yogurt.



Wow - I'm getting quite the tour today! If I had something to do on the northside I could see the whole freaking town.



Noon -12:15 pm - buy yogurt for snack.



Bringing the total cost of today's snack to about $45.



12:15 - 12:20 pm - drive to kidlet's school.



Shortest drive of the day! During the drive, I field a phonecall from my mom reminding me I have to bring snack and wondering where I am, since I am, of course, late. Thanks, mom.



12:20 - 12:35 pm - set up snack.



These kids better leave me some of this food!



12:35 - 1:45 pm - shopping with A.



Finally! Some "me" time! Interrupted, alas, by Husband calling to tell me he locked his keys in his car and needs me to unlock it before his meeting lets out at 3. Since we are in another town, shopping trip ends rather abruptly. (Notice there has been no mention of lunch).



1:45 - 2:00 pm - ride back to kidlet's school to get my car.



2:00 - 2:15 pm - drive to where husband's car is



2:15 - 2:35 pm - drive through numerous parking lots and structures looking for husband's car.



Who knew there were so many freakin parking lots at the medical office park?!? Of course, husband is in meeting, so I can't call for more specifics. I find the car the second after I send a frantic text message asking him for details.



12:35 - 12:45 pm - drive back to kidlet's school.



Speeding maniacally shaves 5 minutes off the trip :)



12:45 - 12:55 pm - wash up dishes, etc from snack



Bastards left me one strawberry, 4 little cheeses, a couple of pretzel twists, and half a tub of yogurt. I repay them by "washing" the dishes in a rather cursory manner.



12:55 - 3:05 pm - circle time and leave school



3:05 - 3:10 pm - drive back to co-op grocery to pick up something for dinner.




Edit: by the time I got to this point in writing this entry, I was too exhausted to go on. Suffice to say the day didn't slow down until after kidlet was asleep (after 9:00 pm).

Sometimes it takes a bite of chocolate....

...and sometimes it takes the whole freakin' bar.

In my determination not to break down and cry at work tonight (oy, has it been a shitty day), I managed to consume an entire bar of a bacon chocolate bar.

Yes, I said bacon. I had read about this bar on some blog last year, but was shocked to actually see it at the grocery today. It was crazy expensive, but how could I resist?!? Bacon AND chocolate - two of my favorite foods - it was too strange and wonderful to pass by. And like I said - it's been a shitty day. Strange chocolate was definitely in order.

My plan, of course, was to eat it slowly, savoring its salty goodness (mmmmm....salty chocolate.....). This, however, was before the catastrophe of work tonight. Somehow I managed to finish the whole bar (it really was good - not great - but good) and now feel vaguely ill from sugar and such.

But at least I didn't cry.

Clearance Queen

Yes, I am the Clearance Queen!!!

I left the boys to Be Men Together (have no idea what they did, but I'm sure it involved lots and lots of explosions) and went out with Mom today. It was nice - we grabbed lunch at Cosi and then hit the clearance racks at Kohl's.

Mmmmmmmm, Kohl's clearance....

I found an entire rack of panties for $2.99 each, which was a good thing, since I discovered this morning when I put away the laundry from earlier in the week that the dogs had eaten four more pairs of my underwear. They even chewed up a pair of granny panties. I'm not sure which of us comes off as being more desperate here - the dogs for chewing them, or me for wearing them - but I had to get some underwear, and soon! So I got 13 pairs, which should hold the dogs for a week or two.

I managed to find some workout clothes on sale (since I am actually keeping that resolution about working out - go me!), two shirts for $1.60 each, two pairs of skorts for $2.80 each, and a $70 dress for $6. I even found a nightshirt that is cute enough to wear for the husband and decent enough to wear around the son.

Best part of all was the additional 30% off on everything...and the fact that Mom paid for it all as my (late) Christmas present. Not exactly the Christmas present I would have chosen for myself, but beggars can't be choosers and we are pretty damn broke right now. Oh well. I've pretty much accepted that being a Mom/wife/responsible adult means that most of my presents have to be utilitarian, not fun. Sure, it blows, but whatchagonnado.

Now if I can only enough room in my drawers for all the loot :)

*sigh*

Not having posted here for a while, I spent the morning writing a glib little blog entry in my head about yoga and the gym and such. It was cute, and funny (at least I thought so), and maybe I'll end up posting it here at some point, but I no longer feel glib or cute or funny. In fact, I feel pretty fucking miserable. I don't usually post the more depressing schtuff of my life here, but I'm so sad right now I really need to at least pretend to talk to someone. So please, dear readers (who don't really exist) bear with me.

I'm not going to go into any long backstory here, but I ended a friendship a couple of months ago with someone I really care about. He was one of my best friends, actually, at one point, but the friendship had been dying a long, painful, gasping fish-out-of-water death for the last 2 years. I finally reached the point where it hurt me too much to go on - trying to maintain an essentially one-sided friendship was making me crazysad and I knew that for my own sake I had to let it go. It would probably have hurt less if I felt like he had noticed that I wasn't his friend anymore *insert bitter laugh here*, but ya can't make lemonade when life hands you shit now can ya.

I've been doing a pretty good job over the past couple of months of keeping to that decision. I haven't called him, haven't written him, haven't made any kind of contact whatsoever. I feel his absence like a hole in my life every day, which sucks balls, but I' ve been strong and remembered every day why he doesn't deserve my attention anymore.

Today, I found out that R's life has taken a seriously shitty turn. He wasn't having the best time when I decided to end our relationship - his dad had been in a bad car wreck, his mother-in-law had died, his crazy (literally) wife was in the middle of a very difficult, very high-risk accidental prenancy, and he was facing the fact that he was going to be a dad despite the fact that he never expected or wanted children. Under ordinary circumstances I would never have abandoned a friend in that position, but he made it pretty clear he didn't care whether I was his friend or not and I had to do what was best for myself, not him. (Not a bit of guilt there, no siree bob)

Well, apparently, Karma, who was already biting his ass pretty hard, wasn't done with the chewing. His best friend told me today that R lost his job a couple of weeks ago, and hasn't been able to find another one yet. Which means that he lost his truck too (it was a company vehicle), so his family is down to one car, and that his wife is almost certainly being a screeching harpy and in full fledged panic mode (what with having lost the only income in the family). R apparently has stopped talking to friends and is in shut-down mode, which freaks me out given what an incredibly social animal he is. I imagine that he is at a serious low point in his life, and it breaks my heart.

Because, see, no matter how shitty he treated me, no matter how toxic that relationship was for me at the end, I still love him and hurt for him. Like my friend Ne said today, you don't stop caring about someone just because you can't have them in your life anymore. Every fiber of my being is screaming for me to call him, to write him, to let him know that he is loved and that I'm there if he needs anything - I ache to do what I would do for any of my friends who was having a hard time.

And I can't. I just can't. Because he really is toxic to me, because he shreds my heart every time he gives me a taste of his friendship and then takes it away, because I have to put my own well-being first. My head reminds me off all the times that he knew I was having a hard time and didn't call me, all the times he lied about his feelings for me not having changed, all of the tears that I've cried because of him, and how shitty talking to him inevitably makes me feel. My head reminds me that my friendship is a special and precious gift to those I love, and that by his own actions, his own choices, he does not deserve it.

My head reminds me of all of this...and still my heart breaks.

Thank god tonight is Girls' Night, and I can spend it with women who love and value me. I am counting the minutes until I can collapse in their arms and weep...for him, for me, for friendship lost and the general shittiness of life.

May the Light hold you and yours, R, even though I can't.

Bought me some new sheets...

...and sadly, it was exciting enough for me to blog about it.

I actually did a good bit of shopping today, what with the kidlet being back in school and all the after-Christmas clearance sales. I was proud of myself - I managed to find two king-sized sets of sheets, not ugly, decent quality, one even organic cotton for about $65...which (if you have ever shopped for king-sized sheets) is a DAMN good deal. I was grateful to find them, too, since I discovered upon starting to change the sheets today that we are down to one top sheet in the entire house (thanks, of course, to the dogs, who apparently feel an undying need to eat fabric).

I'm writing about this not because it was a particularly thrilling shopping experience, but because of a realization I had in the midst of it.

I happened to be dragging a friend along on my errands today (it was so nice to have adult company!!!), and said friend happens to be very single. She was asking if Husband would give me a hard time about what I was buying, and I was like, are you kidding?!? As long as he doesn't have to come into retail hell and crawl through all the clearance racks looking for something decent that we can afford, he doesn't care what I bring home.

This is how I earn my keep as a housewife, says I.

Which was, of course, a joke, but also...not. Because no matter how "lazy" I feel, no matter how unproductive I am when I am grinding my way through another spate of depression,no matter how messy the house gets, I do a hell of a lot of work. I handle virtually all the money, research and arrange everything to do with Kidlet, make sure there are sheets and kids clothes and toilet paper and Emergen-C and printer ink in the house, coordinate schedules with all the grandparents and book flights when we travel, make interesting movies arrive in the mail (thank god for Netflix!!), and figure out how to donate a car and be able to get the full value to count as a tax deduction. Husband does not have to worry much at all about how the basic mechanics of maintaining a house and modern life are going to get done while he is at work, and most of the time he only recognizes the existance of said mechanics when something breaks down and I don't get it done. Which really isn't that often.

I'm in no way downplaying how hard he works, and I hope I don't make him sound like some kind of insensitive chauvinist (because he soooooo isn't). There are just so many times when I feel like a leech, when I feel...less than...because I bring so little cash into the system. I need to record a little recognition for myself, to remind myself of the work I do, and what I bring to the table. Because I do do an awful lot to make our life here possible.

GOOD FOR ME!!!

And now I'm off to fold 3 loads of laundry and put new sheets on the bed before we turn in for the night...

New Year's Resolutions

So I was talking to the husband the other night - having one of those sideways conversations where I say things that are difficult for me while doing something else (like playing Snood), and we both pretend like there is nothing serious being discussed - and he tells me that I have a "really pessimistic view of life".

What?!?

I like to think of myself as something of an optimist...or as being, if not optimistic about life, then generally gracious about accepting what may come. I still expect most people to act from goodness, am still surprised when they lie, am still bewildered by being mean just for the sake of being mean. I consciously work to accept that things in my life happen for a reason, and try hard to trust that I will come out of hard situations a better person. I really, truly do still believe in the Light. Isn't that optimistic?

On the other hand, I realized today that I haven't made a New Year's Resolution in, oh, a decade or so because (so my thinking goes) nobody ever keeps the damn things anyways and why bother with the pretense of changing yourself when failure is virtually guaranteed. Just admit the failure to begin with and save us all the hassle.

Maybe Husband is a little right after all.

SO - just to prove him wrong (LOL) and embrace the spirit of optimism, I decided to not only make some resolutions, but also to put them out here where everybody can see (just to make the shame that much greater when - no, excuse me - if I fail, of course). I've even been listening to all the blether about how to keep resolutions on the morning shows (which are normally so much blahblah to me), and actually read Dr. Phil's suggestions on how to succeed in making your resolutions stick...and if that doesn't make me freakin' Sally Sunshine I don't know what would.

Here goes.

I will lose 2 pounds a month for the next 6 months.

GAG - how predictably and stereotypically girl of me, but still. I really do want to fit in my cute pants again without the muffin top.

I will exercise at least twice a week.

Health, people, health. I'm never gonna be a skinnyminny, or a triathelete, but I would like to feel stronger in my body.

I will follow FlyLady this year.

The C.H.A.O.S. really is out of control, and it sucks my energy, and everyone involved will be happier if the house is a little less of a disaster area. For once maybe I can make things easier for myself, rather than harder.

I will blog at least once a week.

If not here, then on one of my blogs. It's good for me. I actually do have things to say, and it is important for me to say them out loud rather than just think them to myself.

I will make, and keep, a budget.

I am sooooo much more relaxed when I feel like our finances are secure! I've been waiting for literally years for husband to sit down and help me with this, and I think it's time to accept that he isn't going to. This sister's gonna do it for herself, and if he doesn't like how I apportion the dollars, well, he can just sit his ass down and get involved, now can't he.

I will count my blessings (at least 5 of them) every day.

Cheesy, I know, but I've done it before and it does make me feel better about my life - even when it sucks (which is all too often, it seems) - to acknowledge what is good in it. Part of this resolution is writing them down - keeps me honest, ya know?

So there they are, folks. My first New Year's Resolutions since I don't know when. Five of them seems like a good number...plenty of potential for failure, or if I fail at one I have 4 more to fall back on, or 5 great things I'll do that will make my life happier. Take your pick, depending where on the sliding scale of optimism (or pessimism) you find yourself today.

As a side note: Ben & Jerry's S'mores ice cream is EVIL, pure and simple. The Satan of the Fat Pants planted it in front of me in the store on purpose. Damn him. This has nothing to do with anything in this post whatsoever, except as it may affect my first resolution (see above).