Some ASSHOLE scratched my car!!!
Those of you who know me understand how monumentally sucky this is. For those of you who don't well...I love my car. My car ('06 Shadow Blue New Beetle) is my dream car. She has a name (Elliebella Blue Buggy), and I talk to her. I pat her when I walk by. I clean her out regularly (if you saw my old car, you would understand how radical a notion this is!) and love to take her to the car wash and buy her the full treatment (this from a serious tightwad). I clean the leather seats, and drive safer now than I ever have because I think I'd die if she got a dent and it was my fault. I am - I admit it - a bit nuts when it comes to this car.
And now some ASSHOLE scraped the paint off the edge of her left rear bumper down to the black plastic! MotherFUCKER!!!! What's especially stupid is this - it was obviously done by someone trying to park too tight next to me...and I parked with several spaces on either side of Ellie so that that wouldn't happen!!! Why the FUCK, in the 10 minutes I was in the store, did that mofo decide they had to park that tight, in that spot?!?
I'm proud to say that I didn't cry (even though I seriously considered it) and I didn't even say that many bad words (kidlet was with me so I was behaving). But inside...I'm still having a foot-stomping apoplectic tantrum LOL.
MotherFUCKER.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sunday meditation
Can I make a confession?
I almost never pay attention to the homily at church. I always seem to find something else that I "need" to be doing...either lists of tasks for the coming weeks, or updating my address book on my phone, or doing puzzles. Since I've never paid attention to sermons at church, and I don't go to the UU church for the homilies, I don't feel particularly bad about (though I try not to let other people catch me fecking off either LOL).
BUT. This morning, I happened to be sitting right next to a friend of mine - not a good friend, but someone I wish was a good friend (if that makes sense) - and I didn't want to her to see me doodling or doing puzzles during church, so I kind of sat and pretended to listen. At first I was just zoned out, like I've always been during lectures or sermons (I am so not an auditory learner!) but then I started thinking...and I realized that I spend a lot of time and energy specifically NOT thinking. Whenever I have a quiet minute at home, or still time at church, or time at a stoplight, I am always making sure that I am busy reading, or doing hanji, or fiddling around with something, specifically so that I am not thinking. It's a frightening thing for me to be present in my head and in my body, to pay attention to whatever feelings are stirring around in there. There is so much pain and so many tears tied up in there that I am afraid to even look at it.
This morning, I actually looked, with gentle curiousity, and gave my inner self a little time to speak, and listened, not to the minister, but to myself, and for once it didn't scare me at all. Perhaps it was the safety of the situation - knowing that I couldn't break down and cry (at least not without causing a scene) and knowing that the time was limited by how long Cynthia was going to speak. Perhaps I was just in the right space for contemplation this morning. Whatever it was, I found some peace this morning, and made a couple of realizations.
Most importantly, I realized that as unhappy as I often am in my life right now, and as restless as I am in my marriage, I don't really want anything or anyone else. I have built a good life here with many of the things that I always wanted; I have an amazing son and a husband I love and admire. I don't want to throw it all away to seek some nebulous "happiness" that I think might be out there somewhere...what I want is to be happy where I am. I want to find a way to make my current life work for me and satisfy me. I want to be in love with my husband, and have him give me that thrill that I keep being tempted to find elsewhere. I felt - all the way through my bones, and down to the middle of me - that I truly do want to be happy in the life that I have right here and now.
I don't know if I can fully describe the peace in that realization, or how happy and hopeful it made me feel, but it was about the best I've felt in weeks.
And then I came home with that, and interacted with my family, and realized that there are other things that have to happen. I don't want things exactly as they are now. I need more space for myself, and my family has to find ways to give it to me. And I want to be with my husband, and in love with my husband, but I need for him to be make changes too. I don't want to live with a man who is miserable in his life, who has only the grim determination to make it through another day and who only looks forward to the next run he's training for. I need him to find some joy in himself if I am to find joy with him.
I don't know yet how to tell him all of this, but despite the fact that I can't do it all myself, I feel more hopeful now that I have some idea of the direction I need to go. I feel more centered and less desperate than I have in weeks...what a blessing.
I may have to zone out in church more often LOL.
I almost never pay attention to the homily at church. I always seem to find something else that I "need" to be doing...either lists of tasks for the coming weeks, or updating my address book on my phone, or doing puzzles. Since I've never paid attention to sermons at church, and I don't go to the UU church for the homilies, I don't feel particularly bad about (though I try not to let other people catch me fecking off either LOL).
BUT. This morning, I happened to be sitting right next to a friend of mine - not a good friend, but someone I wish was a good friend (if that makes sense) - and I didn't want to her to see me doodling or doing puzzles during church, so I kind of sat and pretended to listen. At first I was just zoned out, like I've always been during lectures or sermons (I am so not an auditory learner!) but then I started thinking...and I realized that I spend a lot of time and energy specifically NOT thinking. Whenever I have a quiet minute at home, or still time at church, or time at a stoplight, I am always making sure that I am busy reading, or doing hanji, or fiddling around with something, specifically so that I am not thinking. It's a frightening thing for me to be present in my head and in my body, to pay attention to whatever feelings are stirring around in there. There is so much pain and so many tears tied up in there that I am afraid to even look at it.
This morning, I actually looked, with gentle curiousity, and gave my inner self a little time to speak, and listened, not to the minister, but to myself, and for once it didn't scare me at all. Perhaps it was the safety of the situation - knowing that I couldn't break down and cry (at least not without causing a scene) and knowing that the time was limited by how long Cynthia was going to speak. Perhaps I was just in the right space for contemplation this morning. Whatever it was, I found some peace this morning, and made a couple of realizations.
Most importantly, I realized that as unhappy as I often am in my life right now, and as restless as I am in my marriage, I don't really want anything or anyone else. I have built a good life here with many of the things that I always wanted; I have an amazing son and a husband I love and admire. I don't want to throw it all away to seek some nebulous "happiness" that I think might be out there somewhere...what I want is to be happy where I am. I want to find a way to make my current life work for me and satisfy me. I want to be in love with my husband, and have him give me that thrill that I keep being tempted to find elsewhere. I felt - all the way through my bones, and down to the middle of me - that I truly do want to be happy in the life that I have right here and now.
I don't know if I can fully describe the peace in that realization, or how happy and hopeful it made me feel, but it was about the best I've felt in weeks.
And then I came home with that, and interacted with my family, and realized that there are other things that have to happen. I don't want things exactly as they are now. I need more space for myself, and my family has to find ways to give it to me. And I want to be with my husband, and in love with my husband, but I need for him to be make changes too. I don't want to live with a man who is miserable in his life, who has only the grim determination to make it through another day and who only looks forward to the next run he's training for. I need him to find some joy in himself if I am to find joy with him.
I don't know yet how to tell him all of this, but despite the fact that I can't do it all myself, I feel more hopeful now that I have some idea of the direction I need to go. I feel more centered and less desperate than I have in weeks...what a blessing.
I may have to zone out in church more often LOL.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Hanging on by a fingernail
So here's the deal...the weather is gorgeous, my family is all home and in a good mood, I bought tons of fresh local fruit and veggies at the farmer's market this morning, we aren't completely broke, school is going great for G, I have a new job that will earn me good money...and all I want to do it curl up and cry. Man, this sucks.
Part of it is the weather - fall is my favorite time of year, but it always depresses me too (what does that say about how fucked up I am?!? LOL.) There is never enough of it, and I know that the interminable winter dreariness is coming. Part of it is not sleeping, at least not well, or enough. But most of it all comes back to The Reason...and knowing the Reason, and knowing It is stupid, and knowing I am only hurting myself by holding on to It...none of that seems to make any difference. Blech.
But no more on that - that kind of whining is for an entirely different blog LOL.
Today I am going to (finally) make roasted red pepper sauce for pasta, and fix that and a salad for dinner. I have fresh chard, beets, and tomatos to stuff for tomorrow night, and one of these days soon I am going to make that incredible scallopped potatos dish with local Swiss cheese and Elmwood potatoes. Yum! I am trying hard to make myself cook right now because I know that the (fresh) pickings will be slim soon and Iwill be kicking myself if I don't take advantage of this time of year.
Oh! And my friend Adrinidee from waaayyyy back when in EQ2 has been in touch! We've been playing phone tag for a couple of days, but hopefully we'll be able to talk today (after my nap, tyvm). I'm so happy to hear from her! She's even playing EQ2 again, which is sooooo tempting to me. Will I ever stop jonesing for that game? Oh well - we'll see what happens.
Nothing else going on except for loving the weather and LOVING digging out my MILF jeans and tight sweaters...
Part of it is the weather - fall is my favorite time of year, but it always depresses me too (what does that say about how fucked up I am?!? LOL.) There is never enough of it, and I know that the interminable winter dreariness is coming. Part of it is not sleeping, at least not well, or enough. But most of it all comes back to The Reason...and knowing the Reason, and knowing It is stupid, and knowing I am only hurting myself by holding on to It...none of that seems to make any difference. Blech.
But no more on that - that kind of whining is for an entirely different blog LOL.
Today I am going to (finally) make roasted red pepper sauce for pasta, and fix that and a salad for dinner. I have fresh chard, beets, and tomatos to stuff for tomorrow night, and one of these days soon I am going to make that incredible scallopped potatos dish with local Swiss cheese and Elmwood potatoes. Yum! I am trying hard to make myself cook right now because I know that the (fresh) pickings will be slim soon and Iwill be kicking myself if I don't take advantage of this time of year.
Oh! And my friend Adrinidee from waaayyyy back when in EQ2 has been in touch! We've been playing phone tag for a couple of days, but hopefully we'll be able to talk today (after my nap, tyvm). I'm so happy to hear from her! She's even playing EQ2 again, which is sooooo tempting to me. Will I ever stop jonesing for that game? Oh well - we'll see what happens.
Nothing else going on except for loving the weather and LOVING digging out my MILF jeans and tight sweaters...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sick, I tell you, just sick
Well.
Kidlet spent the night at his NeeNee's last night (against his will, I might add - that child would live in my skin 24/7 right now, I swear!), so I decided to let myself sleep in. I didn't want to sleep late, mind you - just until 8 or so. Nothing unreasonable, right?
Well, apparently the last two weeks of "improving my life" by getting up early have reset my internal clock because *bing* I woke up at the crack of 7:30 and damned if I could get back to sleep. How unfair is that?!?
I'm going to go make some coffee and pout some more.
Kidlet spent the night at his NeeNee's last night (against his will, I might add - that child would live in my skin 24/7 right now, I swear!), so I decided to let myself sleep in. I didn't want to sleep late, mind you - just until 8 or so. Nothing unreasonable, right?
Well, apparently the last two weeks of "improving my life" by getting up early have reset my internal clock because *bing* I woke up at the crack of 7:30 and damned if I could get back to sleep. How unfair is that?!?
I'm going to go make some coffee and pout some more.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Surreal Moment of the Day
Somehow, when I dreamed
my life
it didn't include
ironing name tags on tiny little
pairs of boy's underwear.
I think
I should have thought
this motherhood thing
through
a little more.
my life
it didn't include
ironing name tags on tiny little
pairs of boy's underwear.
I think
I should have thought
this motherhood thing
through
a little more.
Self-Improvement my ass
So last weekend sometime, in a (more than) slightly altered state, I decided that my life would be infinitely better if I would just 1) get up at 7:00 am every day, 2) eat more fruit, and 3) learn to control my brainwaves. Yeah yeah, laugh all you want monkey boy, it made sense at the time LMAO.
So. The brainwave control I'm leaving for later (for lack of a real idea how to do that), but since the first two seemed quite doable, I've been making a fairly concerted effort to Improve My Life. It's been a bumpy road, mostly because 1) the primary local fruit in season is melon, and I can only eat so much of that (especially watermelon - one bite goes a looonnnnggg way for me) and 2) 7:00 am is just an obscene time to get out of bed voluntarily. Every morning it gets easier and easier to hit the snooze button just one more time, and the sugar cereal looks more and more tempting...
This morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30 (after a terrible night's sleep) , have managed to stay awake ever since (a whole hour and a half), and am currently contemplating the slice of watermelon that kidlet didn't eat. I may even take a bite before long.
My life is allllllllll better.
So. The brainwave control I'm leaving for later (for lack of a real idea how to do that), but since the first two seemed quite doable, I've been making a fairly concerted effort to Improve My Life. It's been a bumpy road, mostly because 1) the primary local fruit in season is melon, and I can only eat so much of that (especially watermelon - one bite goes a looonnnnggg way for me) and 2) 7:00 am is just an obscene time to get out of bed voluntarily. Every morning it gets easier and easier to hit the snooze button just one more time, and the sugar cereal looks more and more tempting...
This morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30 (after a terrible night's sleep) , have managed to stay awake ever since (a whole hour and a half), and am currently contemplating the slice of watermelon that kidlet didn't eat. I may even take a bite before long.
My life is allllllllll better.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The problem with blogging a busy life...
...is that I'm too freakin busy to sit down and blog! LOL!
If I were busy getting something important or productive done, it'd be one thing, because I would a) feel like I'm getting something good done and b) know that I could blog about it later. But it's stuff like grocery shopping, and laundry, and trying to keep the mess from taking over, and arguing with a 5 year old, which means that a) I'm just treading water and b) I don't want to blog about it (who would want to relive it?!?) and you, dear reader, sure as hell don't want to read about it.
I have soooooo much more respect for the bloggers out there who manage to have interesting little posts every day.
If I were busy getting something important or productive done, it'd be one thing, because I would a) feel like I'm getting something good done and b) know that I could blog about it later. But it's stuff like grocery shopping, and laundry, and trying to keep the mess from taking over, and arguing with a 5 year old, which means that a) I'm just treading water and b) I don't want to blog about it (who would want to relive it?!?) and you, dear reader, sure as hell don't want to read about it.
I have soooooo much more respect for the bloggers out there who manage to have interesting little posts every day.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Back on the FlyWagon
I jumped back onto the FlyWagon with both feet today, and I'm still buzzing a bit from it. It is truly amazing how much of a difference just a little bit of cleaning can make in the house. Even with the coffee table is clear, the house always looks a bit...harried...but B noticed right away that I had dusted because it just looks brighter in the living room. The entryway looks more loved too (that's the zone for the week). And so I get to relearn all of the FlyLady lessons...like how much easier it is to just CLEAN it rather than fret about it...and how good I feel having done some work around the house (like I've actually earned my keep for the day, rather than just been a big drain on the household).
The coolest part of the cleaning day was that Gareth wanted to help! Ask him to put his shoes away and he'll think of a thousand and one reason why he shouldn't have to do it...tell him he can check off an item in the cleaning list, and he'll wipe down the baseboards and love it. Go figure. He still frustrated me a bit with his futzing around (he wants to make every task a very very complicated little game that only he knows the rules to) but it went far better than I expected. Perhaps I have found our new morning activity LOL!
I spent a lot of the rest of the day reading the new Barbara Kingsolver book that B brought home from the library, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. The further I get into it, the more fascinating it becomes. It's not like I don't know most of the things she's talking about (the importance of eating local, the critical role of the disappearing small family farm, why it is good in all ways to cook your own dinner instead of going to McDs), but itis deeply affirming to be reminded that yes, we have damn good reasons for the lifestyle choices we make. I feel more encouraged about this whole stupid housewife thing, to be reminded how much deep good I doing for my child, my community, and the earth by choosing to stay at home, cook every night, and arrange my finances so that Wal-Mart food doesn't enter into them. And yes, I even feel a bit smug to think how long I have been making those choices, even when I didn't know all of the reasons I "should", just because my heart told me that they were right. Now I'm starting to plot how I can actually grow some produce myself next year. So what if B doesn't think that it can be done...I bet I'm smart enough to figure out how!!!
So overall a good day. I'm riding a wave of "up" that I haven't experienced in quite a while and though I know that the "down" will hit me sometime, I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can.
DD.
The coolest part of the cleaning day was that Gareth wanted to help! Ask him to put his shoes away and he'll think of a thousand and one reason why he shouldn't have to do it...tell him he can check off an item in the cleaning list, and he'll wipe down the baseboards and love it. Go figure. He still frustrated me a bit with his futzing around (he wants to make every task a very very complicated little game that only he knows the rules to) but it went far better than I expected. Perhaps I have found our new morning activity LOL!
I spent a lot of the rest of the day reading the new Barbara Kingsolver book that B brought home from the library, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. The further I get into it, the more fascinating it becomes. It's not like I don't know most of the things she's talking about (the importance of eating local, the critical role of the disappearing small family farm, why it is good in all ways to cook your own dinner instead of going to McDs), but itis deeply affirming to be reminded that yes, we have damn good reasons for the lifestyle choices we make. I feel more encouraged about this whole stupid housewife thing, to be reminded how much deep good I doing for my child, my community, and the earth by choosing to stay at home, cook every night, and arrange my finances so that Wal-Mart food doesn't enter into them. And yes, I even feel a bit smug to think how long I have been making those choices, even when I didn't know all of the reasons I "should", just because my heart told me that they were right. Now I'm starting to plot how I can actually grow some produce myself next year. So what if B doesn't think that it can be done...I bet I'm smart enough to figure out how!!!
So overall a good day. I'm riding a wave of "up" that I haven't experienced in quite a while and though I know that the "down" will hit me sometime, I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can.
DD.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Cleaning Day
Strange how the stars line up sometimes...I've been trying to get into my attic all summer to clear stuff out, and haven't managed it. Then yesterday, Becca shows up, fairly unexpectedly (only 2 days lead time in planning, which is not the norm!), Blake is home, the weather is cool enough that the attic heat, though miserable, isn't instantly lethal,and so a couple of hours and lots of sorting later It is done.
We have officially gotten rid of our baby stuff. There is not even a shred of that "well, maybe..." or "just in case" energy left in the house. There is still the crib, but it is just something to sell now...all the little clothes and toys and socks are gone...no more babies.
I'm holding it together pretty well, I think, and don't feel particularly bad about the stuff going, but I am kindof holding my breath and waiting for the fallout. Because I am sure that it will come. I am still too conflicted with this decision (even after,what, over 1.5 years?!?) for me to let it all go just like that. But it is also a bit of a relief to have it gone...there is less pressure of stuff over me, and less holding on to the pain of not having another child to use that stuff.
Today I have been allowing myself to just chill...not trying too hard to get things done (I actually have almost NO work to do this week - amazing), not riding myself about the housework or dinner, generally being gentle with myself. I don't usually allow myself to have a holiday because even when I'm not doing anything I'm actively feeling bad about not doing it but today I decided just to let it all go. Tomorrow is soon enough to jump back on the flywagon...
We have officially gotten rid of our baby stuff. There is not even a shred of that "well, maybe..." or "just in case" energy left in the house. There is still the crib, but it is just something to sell now...all the little clothes and toys and socks are gone...no more babies.
I'm holding it together pretty well, I think, and don't feel particularly bad about the stuff going, but I am kindof holding my breath and waiting for the fallout. Because I am sure that it will come. I am still too conflicted with this decision (even after,what, over 1.5 years?!?) for me to let it all go just like that. But it is also a bit of a relief to have it gone...there is less pressure of stuff over me, and less holding on to the pain of not having another child to use that stuff.
Today I have been allowing myself to just chill...not trying too hard to get things done (I actually have almost NO work to do this week - amazing), not riding myself about the housework or dinner, generally being gentle with myself. I don't usually allow myself to have a holiday because even when I'm not doing anything I'm actively feeling bad about not doing it but today I decided just to let it all go. Tomorrow is soon enough to jump back on the flywagon...
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