I woke up this morning feeling a bit...off. Nothing wrong that I could put a finger on, but everything wasn't quite right in my body either. Everything smelled bad to me - like someone had stuck a dognose on my sniffer and turned the smells up by 1000% - and nothing tasted particularly good. (I'm not sure if the coffee at Half Price Books was as rancid as it tasted, but it truly made me gag. And I drank it anyways - how pathetic is that?). And my mouth just feels funny, too full of saliva, a little metallic.
I was entertaining thoughts that if I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant or something (99.9% impossible, thank god, but does that thought ever really leave before menopause?) when I remembered. The kids at co-op school have the pukes. Not just one or two, but lots and lots of them. And I worked there 3 times in the past week and a half. And shared snack with the snotty little grabby-hands who double dip everything and run goldfish crackers through their fngers like pirates fondling with gold coins.
Fuck.
If I start puking I'm gonna be soooooo pissed.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
When the pigeon of life shits on your head
As the title of this post suggests, I'm feeling a bit picked upon these days. It's not that anything major is wrong right now, just lots of little niggling things that keep piling up and making me feel, well, shat upon.
The worst of the side-effects from the Neurontin seem to have abated, which makes it all the more annoying when I find myself standing in the living room completely lost as to what I was doing. It sounds stupid to bitch about not feeling like crap constantly, but really when I was obviously in a fog 24/7 it was much easier for me to expect the brain malfunction and definitely easier for me to forgive myself for it. Now that I feel relatively normal, the spurts of losing everything I touch catch me by surprise, and I'm much less gentle with myself when I completely space on deadlines. I'm attempting to remind myself that this really isn't who and how I usually am, but those mean voices in my head certainly LOVE the self-loathing fodder that this drug is feeding me.
A new and extremely unwelcome side-effect of the drug has, however made itself known via my exponentially-expanding ass and waist. I only fit in one pair of my jeans at this point, and have started wearing my "dress" pants fairly constantly since they are a bit bigger. While this may be amusing to some (har har DD has to dress up!) I personally am less than amused. I feel like a toad.
And alas, the epsom salts don't seem to have taken care of everything, as my big toe is now generally crusty with dried pus and the cuticle has separated dramatically from the nail on one side. Yes, the SotBT continues. The only bright spot (if you can consider it one) is that we have figured out what exactly is going on with it - my toenail broke when I broke my toe, and there is a large sharp jag of it ripping through my flesh at a glacial rate - and I no longer have any fear that they will need to amputate LOL. Hell, I may not even have to go to the doctor if I can just bear with the constant (low-grade) pain and oozing pus.
Can you hear the pigeon's wingflaps overhead?
The icing on the cake - or final warm plop on my head, take your pick of metaphor - is that over the weekend I developed a maddeningly itchy rash over the ever-expanding bulk of my body. The worst of it seems to be concentrated on places that are either inaccessible (my ankles, under my winter boots) or socially inappropriate to scratch (yes, that would be my butt), but I have managed to scratch my arms and wrists nearly raw. I suspect that I could be developing an allergy to that Evil Medication, but no matter what the cause it is making me extremely cranky.
I won't even go into the current emotional woes if only because having so little time to deal with them I would prefer to just keep them as tightly repressed as possible.
All of this said, I am not in a particularly terrible mood and I actually did get several work tasks done today. Forget that they were all well over-due - I'm just proud that I accomplished something.
I am off to cook some dinner (don't ask me what because I haven't gotten that far)...
The worst of the side-effects from the Neurontin seem to have abated, which makes it all the more annoying when I find myself standing in the living room completely lost as to what I was doing. It sounds stupid to bitch about not feeling like crap constantly, but really when I was obviously in a fog 24/7 it was much easier for me to expect the brain malfunction and definitely easier for me to forgive myself for it. Now that I feel relatively normal, the spurts of losing everything I touch catch me by surprise, and I'm much less gentle with myself when I completely space on deadlines. I'm attempting to remind myself that this really isn't who and how I usually am, but those mean voices in my head certainly LOVE the self-loathing fodder that this drug is feeding me.
A new and extremely unwelcome side-effect of the drug has, however made itself known via my exponentially-expanding ass and waist. I only fit in one pair of my jeans at this point, and have started wearing my "dress" pants fairly constantly since they are a bit bigger. While this may be amusing to some (har har DD has to dress up!) I personally am less than amused. I feel like a toad.
And alas, the epsom salts don't seem to have taken care of everything, as my big toe is now generally crusty with dried pus and the cuticle has separated dramatically from the nail on one side. Yes, the SotBT continues. The only bright spot (if you can consider it one) is that we have figured out what exactly is going on with it - my toenail broke when I broke my toe, and there is a large sharp jag of it ripping through my flesh at a glacial rate - and I no longer have any fear that they will need to amputate LOL. Hell, I may not even have to go to the doctor if I can just bear with the constant (low-grade) pain and oozing pus.
Can you hear the pigeon's wingflaps overhead?
The icing on the cake - or final warm plop on my head, take your pick of metaphor - is that over the weekend I developed a maddeningly itchy rash over the ever-expanding bulk of my body. The worst of it seems to be concentrated on places that are either inaccessible (my ankles, under my winter boots) or socially inappropriate to scratch (yes, that would be my butt), but I have managed to scratch my arms and wrists nearly raw. I suspect that I could be developing an allergy to that Evil Medication, but no matter what the cause it is making me extremely cranky.
I won't even go into the current emotional woes if only because having so little time to deal with them I would prefer to just keep them as tightly repressed as possible.
All of this said, I am not in a particularly terrible mood and I actually did get several work tasks done today. Forget that they were all well over-due - I'm just proud that I accomplished something.
I am off to cook some dinner (don't ask me what because I haven't gotten that far)...
Friday, November 23, 2007
Epsom salts will take care of EVERYTHING....
...but not the turkey hangover.
If you read blogs at all you have already read about a thousand descriptions of everyones' various experiences at the Table of Turkey, and I won't bore you with another one. Needless to say, I baked a Bird, side dishes were served, everyone ate too much and aren't we all glad that is over for another year.
I also won't comment on Black Friday except to say that why the HELL does anyone voluntarily enter that particular level of consumer hell and, more to the point, why the FUCK do they have to involve me in it, if only tangentally?!? Perhaps I am a freak of nature, but I do not carry a running list of all the consumer products I want you to buy me and mine this year for Christmas in my head, and no, it is not convenient or even necessarily possible for me to very quickly email you this (non-existent) list RIGHT THIS FREAKIN SECOND because you have decided that you are going to do all of your shopping today. Please, do yourself and (more importantly) me a huge favor - give me a heads up a week in advance - click on the links I email you - and buy the crap ONLINE like any sane member of the 21st century. Thank you.
Now on to the epsom salts, which will, I swear - or at least hope - take care of everything. Especially because the alternatives, as Husband has taken great delight in telling me, involve truly horrible cutting of my bits.
You see, just when you thought it was over, the Saga of the Big Toe continues. I was not, alas, blogging when the Saga began so unless you know me personally and are brave (read: foolish) enough to ask, you will never know the entire thrilling story. I will simply sum up by saying I broke the big toe on my right foot in July and have had a variety of problems with it since. My toenail has been left a bit...deformed...by the whole experience, and last week decided to become most painfully ingrown. The ingrown part on the outside of my toe resolved itself with just a couple days of righteous pain, but the part on the inside of my toe just keeps getting more swollen and more painful. In the heels I wore yesterday, in fact, I would have to say that it was edging toward agony...so much so that I finally had to tell Husband about it. At which point he took great pleasure in describing the surgery for correcting ingrown toenails, which is far more extensive and, well, horrifying than I ever would have imagined. So much so, in fact, that I will not even begin to describe it here, but will simply continue to soak the toe in question in epsom salts with the desperate intention that everything will soften up, un-infect itself, and heal up just dandy without any slicing away of skin and removal of toenail whatsoever thankyouverymuch.
Epsom salts will take care of everything, by God...and if they don't, there had better be some mighty good drugs involved to enable me to hobble into the podiatrists...
If you read blogs at all you have already read about a thousand descriptions of everyones' various experiences at the Table of Turkey, and I won't bore you with another one. Needless to say, I baked a Bird, side dishes were served, everyone ate too much and aren't we all glad that is over for another year.
I also won't comment on Black Friday except to say that why the HELL does anyone voluntarily enter that particular level of consumer hell and, more to the point, why the FUCK do they have to involve me in it, if only tangentally?!? Perhaps I am a freak of nature, but I do not carry a running list of all the consumer products I want you to buy me and mine this year for Christmas in my head, and no, it is not convenient or even necessarily possible for me to very quickly email you this (non-existent) list RIGHT THIS FREAKIN SECOND because you have decided that you are going to do all of your shopping today. Please, do yourself and (more importantly) me a huge favor - give me a heads up a week in advance - click on the links I email you - and buy the crap ONLINE like any sane member of the 21st century. Thank you.
Now on to the epsom salts, which will, I swear - or at least hope - take care of everything. Especially because the alternatives, as Husband has taken great delight in telling me, involve truly horrible cutting of my bits.
You see, just when you thought it was over, the Saga of the Big Toe continues. I was not, alas, blogging when the Saga began so unless you know me personally and are brave (read: foolish) enough to ask, you will never know the entire thrilling story. I will simply sum up by saying I broke the big toe on my right foot in July and have had a variety of problems with it since. My toenail has been left a bit...deformed...by the whole experience, and last week decided to become most painfully ingrown. The ingrown part on the outside of my toe resolved itself with just a couple days of righteous pain, but the part on the inside of my toe just keeps getting more swollen and more painful. In the heels I wore yesterday, in fact, I would have to say that it was edging toward agony...so much so that I finally had to tell Husband about it. At which point he took great pleasure in describing the surgery for correcting ingrown toenails, which is far more extensive and, well, horrifying than I ever would have imagined. So much so, in fact, that I will not even begin to describe it here, but will simply continue to soak the toe in question in epsom salts with the desperate intention that everything will soften up, un-infect itself, and heal up just dandy without any slicing away of skin and removal of toenail whatsoever thankyouverymuch.
Epsom salts will take care of everything, by God...and if they don't, there had better be some mighty good drugs involved to enable me to hobble into the podiatrists...
Friday, November 9, 2007
3 best things about my car
Aside, of course, from the fact that she is a Bug ;P
3. The sound system
Damn, this rocks! 6 speakers in a tiny domed space, turned to 11, make for a seriously immersive sound experience. Of course, the effect is dampened a bit when it's Buck Howdy blaring "Buffalo Bill (Only Ate Baked Beans)"...
2. The moon roof
This makes the Bug feel so much bigger that I never close the cover on it, and it is fabulous to open it when the car is stuffy, even in the winter, because it doesn't blow the kid out of the back seat.
Now, up until yesterday I would have said that the moon roof was the #1 best feature of the car. But yesterday morning was the first truly cold morning of the winter, and now I know better. I actually made fun of this feature as being "for sissies", but now understand that it is one of the miracles of the modern world, and a little bit of heaven included in my car...
1. HEATED SEATS
My butt has never been happier!
3. The sound system
Damn, this rocks! 6 speakers in a tiny domed space, turned to 11, make for a seriously immersive sound experience. Of course, the effect is dampened a bit when it's Buck Howdy blaring "Buffalo Bill (Only Ate Baked Beans)"...
2. The moon roof
This makes the Bug feel so much bigger that I never close the cover on it, and it is fabulous to open it when the car is stuffy, even in the winter, because it doesn't blow the kid out of the back seat.
Now, up until yesterday I would have said that the moon roof was the #1 best feature of the car. But yesterday morning was the first truly cold morning of the winter, and now I know better. I actually made fun of this feature as being "for sissies", but now understand that it is one of the miracles of the modern world, and a little bit of heaven included in my car...
1. HEATED SEATS
My butt has never been happier!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
My special magic
Well, I did it.
After about a week & a half of putting tiny bits of gas in my car - just a gallon or two to keep her running - while waiting for the price of gas to drop below $3 / gallon, I decided that it was time to work my special magic. The people of Lexington were tired of waiting - they needed a break - it was time for me to fill my tank and thus lower the price of gas.
13+ gallons (at $3.02) and $40.22 later, it was done. I told the woman as I paid that I was lowering the price of gas through this purchase. She scoffed, she did not believe, she said the price of gas would only continue to rise.
Oh ye of little faith.
Later that night, the price dropped to $2.95 at the gas station on the corner, and has not risen since. Of course, I still have 3/4 of a tank left, so it has a good week or more before it has to rise to screw me over.
If only I could use my powers for my own good...
After about a week & a half of putting tiny bits of gas in my car - just a gallon or two to keep her running - while waiting for the price of gas to drop below $3 / gallon, I decided that it was time to work my special magic. The people of Lexington were tired of waiting - they needed a break - it was time for me to fill my tank and thus lower the price of gas.
13+ gallons (at $3.02) and $40.22 later, it was done. I told the woman as I paid that I was lowering the price of gas through this purchase. She scoffed, she did not believe, she said the price of gas would only continue to rise.
Oh ye of little faith.
Later that night, the price dropped to $2.95 at the gas station on the corner, and has not risen since. Of course, I still have 3/4 of a tank left, so it has a good week or more before it has to rise to screw me over.
If only I could use my powers for my own good...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Bad Blogger
Bad, bad blogger.
No posts in almost exactly a month and you, my fictional readers, have missed a lot. I had a birthday (my 37th) and had a party for myself (lots of fun being had over beer cheese and roast lamb), helped my mom clear out the house I grew up in (depressing depressing depressing), had a very hopeful doctor's visit, and generally had lots of quirky commentary on my life running through my mind...none of which I managed to blog.
Disappointed? Well, bite me.
I did not and do not intend to spend a lot of time on this blog bitching about my most personal problems - my daily life, my kid, what the hell's for dinner, yes, but chemical imbalances and the pain "friends" can cause and my general emotional volitility, no. SO. I won't say much about what has kept me away except to say that neurontin fucks me up and when friends betray my trust it destroys part of my heart and holding it together as a mom when depression has me wanting to crawl under my bed is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I hope that I can post more frequently but considering the fact that I could barely remember how to speak today and I'm struggling just to not fall too far behind with work (trying to keep up is just pointless it seems), the amount of time I spend talking to people who don't really exist probably won't be great.
No posts in almost exactly a month and you, my fictional readers, have missed a lot. I had a birthday (my 37th) and had a party for myself (lots of fun being had over beer cheese and roast lamb), helped my mom clear out the house I grew up in (depressing depressing depressing), had a very hopeful doctor's visit, and generally had lots of quirky commentary on my life running through my mind...none of which I managed to blog.
Disappointed? Well, bite me.
I did not and do not intend to spend a lot of time on this blog bitching about my most personal problems - my daily life, my kid, what the hell's for dinner, yes, but chemical imbalances and the pain "friends" can cause and my general emotional volitility, no. SO. I won't say much about what has kept me away except to say that neurontin fucks me up and when friends betray my trust it destroys part of my heart and holding it together as a mom when depression has me wanting to crawl under my bed is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I hope that I can post more frequently but considering the fact that I could barely remember how to speak today and I'm struggling just to not fall too far behind with work (trying to keep up is just pointless it seems), the amount of time I spend talking to people who don't really exist probably won't be great.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Sunday Meditation
NOT!!!
Oh, the decadence! Kidlet was at his grandparents' for the weekend, and I got to sleep as late as I wanted to this morning....mmmmmmmm. Of course, I slept so late that I completely missed church so I guess I'm going to he...oh wait...I'm a UU...we don't go there LOL
Last night - a real live date night, where we actually went out - was a lot of fun. We ate Mexican (of course) and went to the tattoo shop to look at flash for my new tattoo. (Damn Mere for planting that idea in my head! Damn her!) I saw lots that I liked, which sucks because I'm apparently not going to be getting one for less than $120...which means I probably won't be getting one at all. B thought that was silly but honestly, if I get $120 all in one place, I've got more urgent things to spend it on! Ah well...maybe by the time I can afford to get my eyes done I can get a new tattoo to look at with the new eyes.
After the tattoo parlor, B and I fulfilled a decades-long curiosity and finally went to Cowboys. For those of you not familiar with this fine establishment, it is the strip club behind the apartments where we lived while we were in college (you know, in the hood). Alas, Cowboys did not live up to our imaginings. From the number of fights (most involving pool cues) that we watched behind that club from our balcony so many years ago, we both expected it to be a real root-tootin' place. Instead, it was oddly...prudish. No energy drinks served (who the frell doesn't stock Red Bull?!?) and the guy at the door warned us before he would take our money that they don't "allow" their girls to do lap dances for women. I mean, WTF?!? Like the guys there weren't paying the dancers extra to fake a little girl-on-girl action! Whatever. We each had a drink, watched women who were so bored they were scornful unenthusiastically wiggle around, and left. Such a disappointment...the mythical Cowboys was a bore.
We ended up at BG Connections, which turned out to be good fun. One thing you can say about the local swingers is that they are incredibly friendly and outgoing LOL. We drank a bit more, met a few people (including one guy who just wouldn't take a hint that I really wasn't interested), and watched some extremely enthusiastic women seriously work the stage (and the girl-on-girl was definitely not faked LOL). Aside from the splitting headache I got from the smoke, I had a great time.
Oh, the decadence! Kidlet was at his grandparents' for the weekend, and I got to sleep as late as I wanted to this morning....mmmmmmmm. Of course, I slept so late that I completely missed church so I guess I'm going to he...oh wait...I'm a UU...we don't go there LOL
Last night - a real live date night, where we actually went out - was a lot of fun. We ate Mexican (of course) and went to the tattoo shop to look at flash for my new tattoo. (Damn Mere for planting that idea in my head! Damn her!) I saw lots that I liked, which sucks because I'm apparently not going to be getting one for less than $120...which means I probably won't be getting one at all. B thought that was silly but honestly, if I get $120 all in one place, I've got more urgent things to spend it on! Ah well...maybe by the time I can afford to get my eyes done I can get a new tattoo to look at with the new eyes.
After the tattoo parlor, B and I fulfilled a decades-long curiosity and finally went to Cowboys. For those of you not familiar with this fine establishment, it is the strip club behind the apartments where we lived while we were in college (you know, in the hood). Alas, Cowboys did not live up to our imaginings. From the number of fights (most involving pool cues) that we watched behind that club from our balcony so many years ago, we both expected it to be a real root-tootin' place. Instead, it was oddly...prudish. No energy drinks served (who the frell doesn't stock Red Bull?!?) and the guy at the door warned us before he would take our money that they don't "allow" their girls to do lap dances for women. I mean, WTF?!? Like the guys there weren't paying the dancers extra to fake a little girl-on-girl action! Whatever. We each had a drink, watched women who were so bored they were scornful unenthusiastically wiggle around, and left. Such a disappointment...the mythical Cowboys was a bore.
We ended up at BG Connections, which turned out to be good fun. One thing you can say about the local swingers is that they are incredibly friendly and outgoing LOL. We drank a bit more, met a few people (including one guy who just wouldn't take a hint that I really wasn't interested), and watched some extremely enthusiastic women seriously work the stage (and the girl-on-girl was definitely not faked LOL). Aside from the splitting headache I got from the smoke, I had a great time.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Bad Medicine
To all of my imaginary readers out there...
You may have noticed that I haven't been posting much lately. It isn't for lack of love for this blog, or even that I have been particularly busy. (I should have been busy and wasn't, but that isn't the purpose of this post). No, I have actually been sitting right here on my ass, moodily doing puzzles (and little else) sinking deeper and deeper into my own personal pit of depression. Fun.
Last night it all came to a head and I collapsed sobbing on husband, confessing my total lack of value to society and my horrible lapse of integrity with everyone and everything in my life. And while part of my wailed woes were, indeed, true (I've got integrity work to do with several people, and have to work my ass off this weekend to catch up with my jobs), I suddenly had the realization that, huh, I had started takin Klonopin again and, wow, the last time I took it I ended up feeling, well, horribly depressed. Imagine that.
I hadn't been sleeping well at all, so I started taking just .25mg of the stuff (1/4 of my original script) so that I could actually get some rest. And it worked great, except for my becoming convinced that life wasn't really worth living LOL. SO. I guess I won't be taking that particular med again, even in tiny doses. Damn. I was sleeping so well too.
I'm going to the doctor on Monday to see if I can get a different script that will take care of the RLS without making me horribly depressed. Hopefully she'll be able to give me something that works but damn I'm so tired of the prescription stew I take. I wish I wish I wish that my brain was chemically balanced, and that my leg nerves still worked right, and that I could just be normal for once, instead of just approximating normal through drugs.
There's the update...hopefully I'll have something cheerier to post in a couple of days...
You may have noticed that I haven't been posting much lately. It isn't for lack of love for this blog, or even that I have been particularly busy. (I should have been busy and wasn't, but that isn't the purpose of this post). No, I have actually been sitting right here on my ass, moodily doing puzzles (and little else) sinking deeper and deeper into my own personal pit of depression. Fun.
Last night it all came to a head and I collapsed sobbing on husband, confessing my total lack of value to society and my horrible lapse of integrity with everyone and everything in my life. And while part of my wailed woes were, indeed, true (I've got integrity work to do with several people, and have to work my ass off this weekend to catch up with my jobs), I suddenly had the realization that, huh, I had started takin Klonopin again and, wow, the last time I took it I ended up feeling, well, horribly depressed. Imagine that.
I hadn't been sleeping well at all, so I started taking just .25mg of the stuff (1/4 of my original script) so that I could actually get some rest. And it worked great, except for my becoming convinced that life wasn't really worth living LOL. SO. I guess I won't be taking that particular med again, even in tiny doses. Damn. I was sleeping so well too.
I'm going to the doctor on Monday to see if I can get a different script that will take care of the RLS without making me horribly depressed. Hopefully she'll be able to give me something that works but damn I'm so tired of the prescription stew I take. I wish I wish I wish that my brain was chemically balanced, and that my leg nerves still worked right, and that I could just be normal for once, instead of just approximating normal through drugs.
There's the update...hopefully I'll have something cheerier to post in a couple of days...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
MotherFUCKER
Some ASSHOLE scratched my car!!!
Those of you who know me understand how monumentally sucky this is. For those of you who don't well...I love my car. My car ('06 Shadow Blue New Beetle) is my dream car. She has a name (Elliebella Blue Buggy), and I talk to her. I pat her when I walk by. I clean her out regularly (if you saw my old car, you would understand how radical a notion this is!) and love to take her to the car wash and buy her the full treatment (this from a serious tightwad). I clean the leather seats, and drive safer now than I ever have because I think I'd die if she got a dent and it was my fault. I am - I admit it - a bit nuts when it comes to this car.
And now some ASSHOLE scraped the paint off the edge of her left rear bumper down to the black plastic! MotherFUCKER!!!! What's especially stupid is this - it was obviously done by someone trying to park too tight next to me...and I parked with several spaces on either side of Ellie so that that wouldn't happen!!! Why the FUCK, in the 10 minutes I was in the store, did that mofo decide they had to park that tight, in that spot?!?
I'm proud to say that I didn't cry (even though I seriously considered it) and I didn't even say that many bad words (kidlet was with me so I was behaving). But inside...I'm still having a foot-stomping apoplectic tantrum LOL.
MotherFUCKER.
Those of you who know me understand how monumentally sucky this is. For those of you who don't well...I love my car. My car ('06 Shadow Blue New Beetle) is my dream car. She has a name (Elliebella Blue Buggy), and I talk to her. I pat her when I walk by. I clean her out regularly (if you saw my old car, you would understand how radical a notion this is!) and love to take her to the car wash and buy her the full treatment (this from a serious tightwad). I clean the leather seats, and drive safer now than I ever have because I think I'd die if she got a dent and it was my fault. I am - I admit it - a bit nuts when it comes to this car.
And now some ASSHOLE scraped the paint off the edge of her left rear bumper down to the black plastic! MotherFUCKER!!!! What's especially stupid is this - it was obviously done by someone trying to park too tight next to me...and I parked with several spaces on either side of Ellie so that that wouldn't happen!!! Why the FUCK, in the 10 minutes I was in the store, did that mofo decide they had to park that tight, in that spot?!?
I'm proud to say that I didn't cry (even though I seriously considered it) and I didn't even say that many bad words (kidlet was with me so I was behaving). But inside...I'm still having a foot-stomping apoplectic tantrum LOL.
MotherFUCKER.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sunday meditation
Can I make a confession?
I almost never pay attention to the homily at church. I always seem to find something else that I "need" to be doing...either lists of tasks for the coming weeks, or updating my address book on my phone, or doing puzzles. Since I've never paid attention to sermons at church, and I don't go to the UU church for the homilies, I don't feel particularly bad about (though I try not to let other people catch me fecking off either LOL).
BUT. This morning, I happened to be sitting right next to a friend of mine - not a good friend, but someone I wish was a good friend (if that makes sense) - and I didn't want to her to see me doodling or doing puzzles during church, so I kind of sat and pretended to listen. At first I was just zoned out, like I've always been during lectures or sermons (I am so not an auditory learner!) but then I started thinking...and I realized that I spend a lot of time and energy specifically NOT thinking. Whenever I have a quiet minute at home, or still time at church, or time at a stoplight, I am always making sure that I am busy reading, or doing hanji, or fiddling around with something, specifically so that I am not thinking. It's a frightening thing for me to be present in my head and in my body, to pay attention to whatever feelings are stirring around in there. There is so much pain and so many tears tied up in there that I am afraid to even look at it.
This morning, I actually looked, with gentle curiousity, and gave my inner self a little time to speak, and listened, not to the minister, but to myself, and for once it didn't scare me at all. Perhaps it was the safety of the situation - knowing that I couldn't break down and cry (at least not without causing a scene) and knowing that the time was limited by how long Cynthia was going to speak. Perhaps I was just in the right space for contemplation this morning. Whatever it was, I found some peace this morning, and made a couple of realizations.
Most importantly, I realized that as unhappy as I often am in my life right now, and as restless as I am in my marriage, I don't really want anything or anyone else. I have built a good life here with many of the things that I always wanted; I have an amazing son and a husband I love and admire. I don't want to throw it all away to seek some nebulous "happiness" that I think might be out there somewhere...what I want is to be happy where I am. I want to find a way to make my current life work for me and satisfy me. I want to be in love with my husband, and have him give me that thrill that I keep being tempted to find elsewhere. I felt - all the way through my bones, and down to the middle of me - that I truly do want to be happy in the life that I have right here and now.
I don't know if I can fully describe the peace in that realization, or how happy and hopeful it made me feel, but it was about the best I've felt in weeks.
And then I came home with that, and interacted with my family, and realized that there are other things that have to happen. I don't want things exactly as they are now. I need more space for myself, and my family has to find ways to give it to me. And I want to be with my husband, and in love with my husband, but I need for him to be make changes too. I don't want to live with a man who is miserable in his life, who has only the grim determination to make it through another day and who only looks forward to the next run he's training for. I need him to find some joy in himself if I am to find joy with him.
I don't know yet how to tell him all of this, but despite the fact that I can't do it all myself, I feel more hopeful now that I have some idea of the direction I need to go. I feel more centered and less desperate than I have in weeks...what a blessing.
I may have to zone out in church more often LOL.
I almost never pay attention to the homily at church. I always seem to find something else that I "need" to be doing...either lists of tasks for the coming weeks, or updating my address book on my phone, or doing puzzles. Since I've never paid attention to sermons at church, and I don't go to the UU church for the homilies, I don't feel particularly bad about (though I try not to let other people catch me fecking off either LOL).
BUT. This morning, I happened to be sitting right next to a friend of mine - not a good friend, but someone I wish was a good friend (if that makes sense) - and I didn't want to her to see me doodling or doing puzzles during church, so I kind of sat and pretended to listen. At first I was just zoned out, like I've always been during lectures or sermons (I am so not an auditory learner!) but then I started thinking...and I realized that I spend a lot of time and energy specifically NOT thinking. Whenever I have a quiet minute at home, or still time at church, or time at a stoplight, I am always making sure that I am busy reading, or doing hanji, or fiddling around with something, specifically so that I am not thinking. It's a frightening thing for me to be present in my head and in my body, to pay attention to whatever feelings are stirring around in there. There is so much pain and so many tears tied up in there that I am afraid to even look at it.
This morning, I actually looked, with gentle curiousity, and gave my inner self a little time to speak, and listened, not to the minister, but to myself, and for once it didn't scare me at all. Perhaps it was the safety of the situation - knowing that I couldn't break down and cry (at least not without causing a scene) and knowing that the time was limited by how long Cynthia was going to speak. Perhaps I was just in the right space for contemplation this morning. Whatever it was, I found some peace this morning, and made a couple of realizations.
Most importantly, I realized that as unhappy as I often am in my life right now, and as restless as I am in my marriage, I don't really want anything or anyone else. I have built a good life here with many of the things that I always wanted; I have an amazing son and a husband I love and admire. I don't want to throw it all away to seek some nebulous "happiness" that I think might be out there somewhere...what I want is to be happy where I am. I want to find a way to make my current life work for me and satisfy me. I want to be in love with my husband, and have him give me that thrill that I keep being tempted to find elsewhere. I felt - all the way through my bones, and down to the middle of me - that I truly do want to be happy in the life that I have right here and now.
I don't know if I can fully describe the peace in that realization, or how happy and hopeful it made me feel, but it was about the best I've felt in weeks.
And then I came home with that, and interacted with my family, and realized that there are other things that have to happen. I don't want things exactly as they are now. I need more space for myself, and my family has to find ways to give it to me. And I want to be with my husband, and in love with my husband, but I need for him to be make changes too. I don't want to live with a man who is miserable in his life, who has only the grim determination to make it through another day and who only looks forward to the next run he's training for. I need him to find some joy in himself if I am to find joy with him.
I don't know yet how to tell him all of this, but despite the fact that I can't do it all myself, I feel more hopeful now that I have some idea of the direction I need to go. I feel more centered and less desperate than I have in weeks...what a blessing.
I may have to zone out in church more often LOL.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Hanging on by a fingernail
So here's the deal...the weather is gorgeous, my family is all home and in a good mood, I bought tons of fresh local fruit and veggies at the farmer's market this morning, we aren't completely broke, school is going great for G, I have a new job that will earn me good money...and all I want to do it curl up and cry. Man, this sucks.
Part of it is the weather - fall is my favorite time of year, but it always depresses me too (what does that say about how fucked up I am?!? LOL.) There is never enough of it, and I know that the interminable winter dreariness is coming. Part of it is not sleeping, at least not well, or enough. But most of it all comes back to The Reason...and knowing the Reason, and knowing It is stupid, and knowing I am only hurting myself by holding on to It...none of that seems to make any difference. Blech.
But no more on that - that kind of whining is for an entirely different blog LOL.
Today I am going to (finally) make roasted red pepper sauce for pasta, and fix that and a salad for dinner. I have fresh chard, beets, and tomatos to stuff for tomorrow night, and one of these days soon I am going to make that incredible scallopped potatos dish with local Swiss cheese and Elmwood potatoes. Yum! I am trying hard to make myself cook right now because I know that the (fresh) pickings will be slim soon and Iwill be kicking myself if I don't take advantage of this time of year.
Oh! And my friend Adrinidee from waaayyyy back when in EQ2 has been in touch! We've been playing phone tag for a couple of days, but hopefully we'll be able to talk today (after my nap, tyvm). I'm so happy to hear from her! She's even playing EQ2 again, which is sooooo tempting to me. Will I ever stop jonesing for that game? Oh well - we'll see what happens.
Nothing else going on except for loving the weather and LOVING digging out my MILF jeans and tight sweaters...
Part of it is the weather - fall is my favorite time of year, but it always depresses me too (what does that say about how fucked up I am?!? LOL.) There is never enough of it, and I know that the interminable winter dreariness is coming. Part of it is not sleeping, at least not well, or enough. But most of it all comes back to The Reason...and knowing the Reason, and knowing It is stupid, and knowing I am only hurting myself by holding on to It...none of that seems to make any difference. Blech.
But no more on that - that kind of whining is for an entirely different blog LOL.
Today I am going to (finally) make roasted red pepper sauce for pasta, and fix that and a salad for dinner. I have fresh chard, beets, and tomatos to stuff for tomorrow night, and one of these days soon I am going to make that incredible scallopped potatos dish with local Swiss cheese and Elmwood potatoes. Yum! I am trying hard to make myself cook right now because I know that the (fresh) pickings will be slim soon and Iwill be kicking myself if I don't take advantage of this time of year.
Oh! And my friend Adrinidee from waaayyyy back when in EQ2 has been in touch! We've been playing phone tag for a couple of days, but hopefully we'll be able to talk today (after my nap, tyvm). I'm so happy to hear from her! She's even playing EQ2 again, which is sooooo tempting to me. Will I ever stop jonesing for that game? Oh well - we'll see what happens.
Nothing else going on except for loving the weather and LOVING digging out my MILF jeans and tight sweaters...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sick, I tell you, just sick
Well.
Kidlet spent the night at his NeeNee's last night (against his will, I might add - that child would live in my skin 24/7 right now, I swear!), so I decided to let myself sleep in. I didn't want to sleep late, mind you - just until 8 or so. Nothing unreasonable, right?
Well, apparently the last two weeks of "improving my life" by getting up early have reset my internal clock because *bing* I woke up at the crack of 7:30 and damned if I could get back to sleep. How unfair is that?!?
I'm going to go make some coffee and pout some more.
Kidlet spent the night at his NeeNee's last night (against his will, I might add - that child would live in my skin 24/7 right now, I swear!), so I decided to let myself sleep in. I didn't want to sleep late, mind you - just until 8 or so. Nothing unreasonable, right?
Well, apparently the last two weeks of "improving my life" by getting up early have reset my internal clock because *bing* I woke up at the crack of 7:30 and damned if I could get back to sleep. How unfair is that?!?
I'm going to go make some coffee and pout some more.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Surreal Moment of the Day
Somehow, when I dreamed
my life
it didn't include
ironing name tags on tiny little
pairs of boy's underwear.
I think
I should have thought
this motherhood thing
through
a little more.
my life
it didn't include
ironing name tags on tiny little
pairs of boy's underwear.
I think
I should have thought
this motherhood thing
through
a little more.
Self-Improvement my ass
So last weekend sometime, in a (more than) slightly altered state, I decided that my life would be infinitely better if I would just 1) get up at 7:00 am every day, 2) eat more fruit, and 3) learn to control my brainwaves. Yeah yeah, laugh all you want monkey boy, it made sense at the time LMAO.
So. The brainwave control I'm leaving for later (for lack of a real idea how to do that), but since the first two seemed quite doable, I've been making a fairly concerted effort to Improve My Life. It's been a bumpy road, mostly because 1) the primary local fruit in season is melon, and I can only eat so much of that (especially watermelon - one bite goes a looonnnnggg way for me) and 2) 7:00 am is just an obscene time to get out of bed voluntarily. Every morning it gets easier and easier to hit the snooze button just one more time, and the sugar cereal looks more and more tempting...
This morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30 (after a terrible night's sleep) , have managed to stay awake ever since (a whole hour and a half), and am currently contemplating the slice of watermelon that kidlet didn't eat. I may even take a bite before long.
My life is allllllllll better.
So. The brainwave control I'm leaving for later (for lack of a real idea how to do that), but since the first two seemed quite doable, I've been making a fairly concerted effort to Improve My Life. It's been a bumpy road, mostly because 1) the primary local fruit in season is melon, and I can only eat so much of that (especially watermelon - one bite goes a looonnnnggg way for me) and 2) 7:00 am is just an obscene time to get out of bed voluntarily. Every morning it gets easier and easier to hit the snooze button just one more time, and the sugar cereal looks more and more tempting...
This morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30 (after a terrible night's sleep) , have managed to stay awake ever since (a whole hour and a half), and am currently contemplating the slice of watermelon that kidlet didn't eat. I may even take a bite before long.
My life is allllllllll better.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The problem with blogging a busy life...
...is that I'm too freakin busy to sit down and blog! LOL!
If I were busy getting something important or productive done, it'd be one thing, because I would a) feel like I'm getting something good done and b) know that I could blog about it later. But it's stuff like grocery shopping, and laundry, and trying to keep the mess from taking over, and arguing with a 5 year old, which means that a) I'm just treading water and b) I don't want to blog about it (who would want to relive it?!?) and you, dear reader, sure as hell don't want to read about it.
I have soooooo much more respect for the bloggers out there who manage to have interesting little posts every day.
If I were busy getting something important or productive done, it'd be one thing, because I would a) feel like I'm getting something good done and b) know that I could blog about it later. But it's stuff like grocery shopping, and laundry, and trying to keep the mess from taking over, and arguing with a 5 year old, which means that a) I'm just treading water and b) I don't want to blog about it (who would want to relive it?!?) and you, dear reader, sure as hell don't want to read about it.
I have soooooo much more respect for the bloggers out there who manage to have interesting little posts every day.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Back on the FlyWagon
I jumped back onto the FlyWagon with both feet today, and I'm still buzzing a bit from it. It is truly amazing how much of a difference just a little bit of cleaning can make in the house. Even with the coffee table is clear, the house always looks a bit...harried...but B noticed right away that I had dusted because it just looks brighter in the living room. The entryway looks more loved too (that's the zone for the week). And so I get to relearn all of the FlyLady lessons...like how much easier it is to just CLEAN it rather than fret about it...and how good I feel having done some work around the house (like I've actually earned my keep for the day, rather than just been a big drain on the household).
The coolest part of the cleaning day was that Gareth wanted to help! Ask him to put his shoes away and he'll think of a thousand and one reason why he shouldn't have to do it...tell him he can check off an item in the cleaning list, and he'll wipe down the baseboards and love it. Go figure. He still frustrated me a bit with his futzing around (he wants to make every task a very very complicated little game that only he knows the rules to) but it went far better than I expected. Perhaps I have found our new morning activity LOL!
I spent a lot of the rest of the day reading the new Barbara Kingsolver book that B brought home from the library, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. The further I get into it, the more fascinating it becomes. It's not like I don't know most of the things she's talking about (the importance of eating local, the critical role of the disappearing small family farm, why it is good in all ways to cook your own dinner instead of going to McDs), but itis deeply affirming to be reminded that yes, we have damn good reasons for the lifestyle choices we make. I feel more encouraged about this whole stupid housewife thing, to be reminded how much deep good I doing for my child, my community, and the earth by choosing to stay at home, cook every night, and arrange my finances so that Wal-Mart food doesn't enter into them. And yes, I even feel a bit smug to think how long I have been making those choices, even when I didn't know all of the reasons I "should", just because my heart told me that they were right. Now I'm starting to plot how I can actually grow some produce myself next year. So what if B doesn't think that it can be done...I bet I'm smart enough to figure out how!!!
So overall a good day. I'm riding a wave of "up" that I haven't experienced in quite a while and though I know that the "down" will hit me sometime, I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can.
DD.
The coolest part of the cleaning day was that Gareth wanted to help! Ask him to put his shoes away and he'll think of a thousand and one reason why he shouldn't have to do it...tell him he can check off an item in the cleaning list, and he'll wipe down the baseboards and love it. Go figure. He still frustrated me a bit with his futzing around (he wants to make every task a very very complicated little game that only he knows the rules to) but it went far better than I expected. Perhaps I have found our new morning activity LOL!
I spent a lot of the rest of the day reading the new Barbara Kingsolver book that B brought home from the library, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. The further I get into it, the more fascinating it becomes. It's not like I don't know most of the things she's talking about (the importance of eating local, the critical role of the disappearing small family farm, why it is good in all ways to cook your own dinner instead of going to McDs), but itis deeply affirming to be reminded that yes, we have damn good reasons for the lifestyle choices we make. I feel more encouraged about this whole stupid housewife thing, to be reminded how much deep good I doing for my child, my community, and the earth by choosing to stay at home, cook every night, and arrange my finances so that Wal-Mart food doesn't enter into them. And yes, I even feel a bit smug to think how long I have been making those choices, even when I didn't know all of the reasons I "should", just because my heart told me that they were right. Now I'm starting to plot how I can actually grow some produce myself next year. So what if B doesn't think that it can be done...I bet I'm smart enough to figure out how!!!
So overall a good day. I'm riding a wave of "up" that I haven't experienced in quite a while and though I know that the "down" will hit me sometime, I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can.
DD.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Cleaning Day
Strange how the stars line up sometimes...I've been trying to get into my attic all summer to clear stuff out, and haven't managed it. Then yesterday, Becca shows up, fairly unexpectedly (only 2 days lead time in planning, which is not the norm!), Blake is home, the weather is cool enough that the attic heat, though miserable, isn't instantly lethal,and so a couple of hours and lots of sorting later It is done.
We have officially gotten rid of our baby stuff. There is not even a shred of that "well, maybe..." or "just in case" energy left in the house. There is still the crib, but it is just something to sell now...all the little clothes and toys and socks are gone...no more babies.
I'm holding it together pretty well, I think, and don't feel particularly bad about the stuff going, but I am kindof holding my breath and waiting for the fallout. Because I am sure that it will come. I am still too conflicted with this decision (even after,what, over 1.5 years?!?) for me to let it all go just like that. But it is also a bit of a relief to have it gone...there is less pressure of stuff over me, and less holding on to the pain of not having another child to use that stuff.
Today I have been allowing myself to just chill...not trying too hard to get things done (I actually have almost NO work to do this week - amazing), not riding myself about the housework or dinner, generally being gentle with myself. I don't usually allow myself to have a holiday because even when I'm not doing anything I'm actively feeling bad about not doing it but today I decided just to let it all go. Tomorrow is soon enough to jump back on the flywagon...
We have officially gotten rid of our baby stuff. There is not even a shred of that "well, maybe..." or "just in case" energy left in the house. There is still the crib, but it is just something to sell now...all the little clothes and toys and socks are gone...no more babies.
I'm holding it together pretty well, I think, and don't feel particularly bad about the stuff going, but I am kindof holding my breath and waiting for the fallout. Because I am sure that it will come. I am still too conflicted with this decision (even after,what, over 1.5 years?!?) for me to let it all go just like that. But it is also a bit of a relief to have it gone...there is less pressure of stuff over me, and less holding on to the pain of not having another child to use that stuff.
Today I have been allowing myself to just chill...not trying too hard to get things done (I actually have almost NO work to do this week - amazing), not riding myself about the housework or dinner, generally being gentle with myself. I don't usually allow myself to have a holiday because even when I'm not doing anything I'm actively feeling bad about not doing it but today I decided just to let it all go. Tomorrow is soon enough to jump back on the flywagon...
Friday, August 31, 2007
Playdates and Guppies
Well, this morning is a playdate with one of Gareth's best friends (Max), which is a relief to me. I LOVE having two kids in the house...them playing together, not bothering me, not nagging for attention...almost as much as I love being able to send the second child home LOL. Kinda like having grandkids, I guess, except you don't have to buy so many presents ;P
The bonus with Max is his mom, who is just the coolest chica ever. Erin and I are so in sync most of the time...I've been completely comfortable with her since the first day we went out together. She's the kind of person I absolutely crave being with - I feel so good in my own skin with I am with her. And today when she picks up Max she's bringing lunch and we get to hang :)
The big excitement in our house right now is the baby guppies (although I suspect that I am far more excited about them than everyone else LOL). They are 5 days old now, and growing so fast you can almost watch it happening. Of course, I am now having visions of guppies guppies guppies...tanks full of guppies...everywhere in the house! I wish that my tanks were easier for me to take care of, or that I felt like I had the time to keep them up. I have found a couple of gorgeous tanks that I would love to add to my collection, but husband (quite rightly) points out that my current fish are horribly neglected as it is...*sigh*
I am so looking forward to this weekend...3 days of poppa time and hopefully I will get to snag some time for myself. I always think that I must sound like the worst mother in the world, but the less time I spend with the kid the more I like him. Too much time with him siphoning my soul just makes me nuts.
DD.
The bonus with Max is his mom, who is just the coolest chica ever. Erin and I are so in sync most of the time...I've been completely comfortable with her since the first day we went out together. She's the kind of person I absolutely crave being with - I feel so good in my own skin with I am with her. And today when she picks up Max she's bringing lunch and we get to hang :)
The big excitement in our house right now is the baby guppies (although I suspect that I am far more excited about them than everyone else LOL). They are 5 days old now, and growing so fast you can almost watch it happening. Of course, I am now having visions of guppies guppies guppies...tanks full of guppies...everywhere in the house! I wish that my tanks were easier for me to take care of, or that I felt like I had the time to keep them up. I have found a couple of gorgeous tanks that I would love to add to my collection, but husband (quite rightly) points out that my current fish are horribly neglected as it is...*sigh*
I am so looking forward to this weekend...3 days of poppa time and hopefully I will get to snag some time for myself. I always think that I must sound like the worst mother in the world, but the less time I spend with the kid the more I like him. Too much time with him siphoning my soul just makes me nuts.
DD.
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